The Zoo: humor

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Traditions

We've been coming down here to Gulf Shores/Orange Beach for many, many years. As you might expect we have developed a few tradition, one of them is going to the "Shark Store." The actual name of the store is Souvenir City, but the kids have always called it the shark store because of the large shark you must walk through to get into the store. It has a rather eclectic collection of cheap souvenirs and nice clothing and shoes.

I pretty much go catatonic as soon as I step foot into the Shark Store, overwhelmed by the sheer enormity of it and the thought of children wandering aimlessly for the better part of an hour trying to choose a toy which will, no doubt, break within an hour of getting home.

Today, when we took our little excursion to the Shark Store, I decided to entertain myself by finding some of the more "interesting" items for sale there, Here is a sampling...

Just what everyone wants on their shelf at home - a dead shark in a jar!

Why just pick up shells on the beach (which are in abundance, btw) when you can spend money and buy them at the Shark Store.

Voodoo dolls renamed Good Spirit Dolls, that sounds like a good idea, right?

Nothing says, "I love you," like a furry cat head on a ring!

No home is complete without a coconut head on their shelf.

Just look at all the fun you can have with a severed alligator head!

Ummm, not even sure what to say about these guys. Not sure why the one is sitting on the other's head either.

Aww, look! Kissing seahorses!

You can even pretend like you're a totem pole.

There's simply no end to what you can make with a bunch of shells.

And, in case you forgot your swimsuit at home, you can buy a top right here.

Well, there's one tradition I'm glad we've gotten out of the way!

It Is Time

Dear Winter Clothes,

I know we have had a long, on-again/off-again relationship, but I am growing weary of your company of late. I know we have spent many days snuggling together with a cup of hot tea or reading by the fire, and I have enjoyed those times immensely, but I think it is time for me to move on. Quite frankly, I find your covering me from neck to toe to be quite constricting. Not to mention, my tattoo hasn't seen the light of day in well over four months now. I partially blame you for the extra five pounds I'm carrying around, as you make it far too easy to hide the extra pudge. Lastly, you bore me. Where is the variety in jeans and a sweater?

I hate to break this to you, but I will be starting a relationship with someone you have met - Summer Clothes. I won't be seeing him often initially, but I hope the relationship will grow quickly. He is exciting and colorful. He likes walks on the beach and lazing around in hammocks. I hope we can still be friends, you and I. Maybe I will feel differently about you in a few months - eight, to be exact.

Stay in touch,
Barb

Tis The Season

Christmas time can be so hectic, what with Christmas parties, present buying, present wrapping and various other family engagements, it's hard to keep on top of everything. I tend to make lists when I have a lot to get done. This helps me to remember all the things I need to do, as well as giving me that sense of satisfaction when I cross things off my list.

This year, I've decided to make my list more life-friendly, as in, what happens in real like.

Here we go...

Barb's To Do List

Get a cup of coffee
Check email
Write a blog post
Make a To Do List
Help random children with random school problems
Break up an argument between two or more children
Get a refill on that coffee
Let the dog out
Make a shopping list for Friday night's cookie baking party
Make a grocery list for Saturday's Holiday Open House
Let the dog back in
Start a load of laundry
Eat some chocolate
Do school
Help another child with a random math problem
Explain to said child that getting angry over not understanding a math problem is NOT productive
Go to Sam's Club
Stop at Starbuck's
Put groceries away
Make cookie dough
Go to Aldi
Go to Costco
Get mail
Read all the Christmas cards in the mail
Change party menu because I forgot to buys something/couldn't find something at all of the above stores
Try clear off the piles of mail on the kitchen counter
Have some bunny therapy
Make another cup of cofffee
Check Facebook
Check Twitter
Check email again
Text hubby and tell him how stressed I am
Do a Suduko
Eat some more chocolate
Give up writing a To Do list and go back to reading Facebook

There! I feel so much better already, knowing that I will certainly be able to check at least half of these items off by the end of the day!

Just What I Needed

I was wandering around Wal-mart last weekend with my sister, mostly trying to stay warm and dry since we were camping and it was raining. Lo and behold, something caught my eye that I knew I just HAD to have!

I didn't realize it until that very moment that THESE are what I had been missing all my life! Now I know. No table is complete without adorable squirrel salt and pepper shakers.

If you hurry, you too, can have squirrels gracing your table! Just $3 at Wal-mart, folks!

Thought You Should Know

Tomorrow's my birthday!

Just thought I should give you all a head's up!

You're welcome!

It will be my 19th time turning 29.

Doctor's Orders

My grandma had osteoporosis. My mom has osteoporosis. My oldest sister has osteoporosis. See a trend here?

I'd really like to put off that diagnosis for myself for as long as possible. Aside from a strong family history of the illness, I am a slender Caucasian woman who was anorexic when I was younger - all things that increase my likelihood of getting osteoporosis.

So, what's a gal to do to reduce her risk of osteoporosis? Well, according to the National Institute of Arthritis and Musculoskeletal and Skin Diseases website I should be drinking my milk, not smoking or drinking excessive amounts of alcohol, and exercising. I'm doing all those things. Regarding exercise the NIAMSD website says "High-impact exercises may provide the most benefit. "

I can't think of any more high-impact exercise than jumping up an down, over and over again. Wouldn't you agree?

Sooooooooo, my upcoming concert trips are JUST what the doctor ordered, don't you think? I'm doing it for my HEALTH!

Introducing....

Flat Evan and Flat Molly!

Seeing as Molly is in Northern Ireland and Evan is, well, doing what Evan does - working, hanging out with friends, etc. - they are unable to accompany us on our vacation to Colorado.

I was really hoping to have our Christmas picture taken at Red Rocks. Their absence presented a problem! We thought of photo shopping them in, but then we came up with an alternative, and brilliant, plan! Bring them with...in flat form.

Well, if we're bringing them with for the family photo, they out to be able to have some fun, too. I am sure they will have lots of adventures on our little trip!

No Comment

I moderate the comments here on my blog, mostly to make sure that nothing inappropriate ends up here. Through some marvel of cyber-space though, I end up getting about a dozen obviously spam comments daily. Nothing pornographic or anything, just obviously not written by a living, breathing person, or at least one that doesn't speak English as his native language.

I find these somewhat annoying, but highly amusing. Here's an example...

With a democratic or considerably known and reliable cyberspace divine service Provider egg white business firm was definitely more fun -- I took my dad to the annual Christmas company. web hosting uk That is what every one time in a While.

Wow! I don't even know how to respond to such a comment. I am curious what a "reliable divine service provider egg white business firm" is though.

Break With Reality

Co-op ended yesterday, and Zoe was sent home with this...

A little book of stories about Zoe's life....kind of....

Here is Zoe's retelling of our Christmas -

Zoe's Christmas
I woke up and opened my gifts. We ate monkey bottoms for breakfast. The monkeys ran for the door, but we were fast. It was too late.

We then went to Grandma and Grandpa's house. I had new yoga pants, so Grandma and I worked on our downward dog.

From there we went to church. The little kids and I sang songs. We sang "Jingle Bells" and "Eye of the Tiger."

Our evening ended with hotdogs, chips, pop and Pepto Bismol. The DVD player made a humming sound as we watched the movie Boys Over Flowers. We all had a flowers in our hair.

All very good and fine, except we don't eat monkey bottoms, or chase monkey around our house. Zoe has never done yoga a day in her life. We did NOT eat hot dogs and chips and Pepto Bismol on Christmas, and we had no flowers in our hair!

Here's her "retelling" of our vacation to Alabama

Zoe Goes To Jail

We went to Alabama for a family vacation. Along the way, we stopped at a shark and octopus store. I took a shell bottle to show my brother Marcus. The store called the police and they put me in jail for 21 days!

My family went boogie boarding and out to eat. They felt bad for me, but I was stuck in jail until the police saw it was all a big mistake.

My family fed me cheese pizza and Sprite. They said they missed me, and went bowling for 99 hours. Boy, were we tired!

Ummmm, I'm not even going to try to explain this one!

A Little Co-op Play

Aidan, Emily, and their classmates at our co-op have been working all semester on a play, A Celebration of hans Christian Andersen. They performed it today at co-op, and I (not so skillfully) video recorded most of it. I somehow managed to cut off the end, and I had to break it up into three parts to make the folks at YouTube happy.

Despite these disappointments, I now present to you the 56th Street Players performing A Celebration of hans Christian Andersen by Kim Williamson....in three parts....

(Aidan & Emily make their appearance in Part 2)

I've Succumbed

I have resisted, and resisted, and resisted, but the pull was just to strong. I signed up with Pinterest!

Don't judge!

The sad truth is, I needed a place to store some really good recipes that I've found. A place that I will be able to find them again quickly when I need them.

Viola! Pinterest.

I will not be spending all my free time surfing around looking at things. I will NOT!

As a side note, I had a hard tome coming up with a username. Apparently lots of moms with eight kids have enough free time to hang out on Pinterest, or maybe they're all just storing recipes there!

One More Career Choice

Not sure why the topic of future careers keeps coming up on my mind, but it does....frequently.

The latest is a nutritionist or food scientist or maybe a neuroscientist. I have become extremely fascinated with all the new discoveries and breakthroughs in the understanding of nutrition and its effects on our body. It seems like I can't read the news for a week without some new discovery or breakthrough being reported. Apparently the old adage, "You are what you eat," is more true than anyone ever realized!

So, if that royalty thing doesn't work out, and if there is no need for essayists or all-purpose public figures, I think I shall become a nutritionist. Actually, maybe I could be a nutritionist AND an all-purpose public figure. I'm actually hoping to begin my career as an all-purpose public figure (we better start abbreviating this - APPF) VERY soon.....as soon as I figure out exactly what one does as an APPF.

Another Option

In case my plans to become royalty fail, and the world doesn't need another essayist, I have come up with yet another post-homeschooling career option.

I was listening to the BBC World Service today on MPR, and they described a man as an ex-football star who also was a billionaire business man and an "all-purpose public figure."

Eureka! That's what I want to be when I grow up - an all-purpose public figure.

I wonder what the qualifications are for that position. Is that something they only have in Britain, or could I be an all-purpose public figure here in the U.S.? I better start researching this! I'm pretty sure I will need a superb wardrobe for this position and probably a nice car and home, as well. Yes! This may be more versatile than either being royalty or an essayist!!

Attitude Adjustment

The current forecast has forced me to come up with a new coping mechanism. I've decided to do a mental calendar adjustment. I will no longer acknowledge that it is mid-April, I am now going to adjust my mental calendar to February.

****DONE****

My what a really lovely warm spell we're having! I wish every winter was as mild as this. And look! Some fresh snow to brighten things up, too! I couldn't ask for a lovelier February!

See how nicely this little mental calendar adjustment works!

Good To Know

Yay!! We're actually going on a family vacation this summer! We missed out last summer, due to poor planning on my part. These things must be planned in advance, and "in advance" is not always my strong suit.

Anyway, we now are set to go to Colorado for a week this summer. I haven't been there in...hmm...something like thirty years, so this will be fun. I love the mountains. Not as much as I love the ocean, but close. We'll be spending part of our time there in Rocky Mountain National Park, so I thought I should do a little reading on the park.

Being safety conscious, I decided to see what were the dangers in the park. Here's are the things they tell me I should be concerned about:

-Burned areas, falling trees
-Mountain weather, hypothermia, snow and ice fields (not too big of concern in July)
-High elevation, mountain climbing
-Lightning
-Wildfires
-Wildlife - lions and tigers and bears...well, not the tigers
-Streams, lakes, waterfalls (we're from Minnesota, we have all those things here, too)
-Avalanche (hmm, don't have these in Minnesota!)
-Giardia (I drink unfiltered lake water in the BWCA, not overly concerned over this)
-Plague

WHOA! Wait just one minute? Did I just read the plague? As in the bubonic plague? Why yes. Yes, I did! Well, this is just sounding like a really welcoming place, isn't it? Turns out the plague is endemic to Rocky Mountain National Park. Who knew?

But the list goes on...

-Colorado Tick Fever
-Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever
-Hantavirus

Oh boy, hantavirus! That sounds like a fun one too! Actually, no one has gotten it in RMNP, but the deer mice there carry it. Well, I guess this means we won't be kissing any rodents on our vacation!

I'm sure we'll have a great time....if we make it back alive.....

I'm On To Something

Chris and I have both been daydreaming about taking a vacation. Not the driving 16 hours with seven kids, to camp and have to cook meals over a Coleman stove. No, the type of vacation that involves relaxation and no kids. Yeah, that type of vacation.

Well, truth be told, that ain't happening anytime soon! Something about certain children not doing too well when Mom and Dad are gone...and then there's the trying to make arrangements for places for the kids and pets to stay...It just ain't happening.

We need a Plan B. I think I've come up with one.

As of today, I am going to start labeling any errand I take without a child in tow as a mini-vacation! Wow, I may get to go on three or four vacations a WEEK with this new plan!! Trip to Aldi....vacation! Trip to Walgreens....vacation! Trip to the dentist....VACATION! (I even get to lay down on that one and close my eyes!)

Brilliant!! It IS a brilliant plan!

The Squirrel Did It

I'm not sure what he did, but Molly has had him handcuffed in her room for the past six months!

Free the squirrel! Free the squirrel!

American What?

After making macaroni and cheese yesterday, I noticed we were almost out of American cheese. I grabbed a notepad to write down that we needed American cheese, so that I wouldn't forget when I made out my grocery list.

I had to make a quick trip to the grocery store today, and I remembered that I had written something down on a notepad that I needed to pick up. When I found the notepad, this is what I saw...

Well.....ummm.......

Not sure where I can get American squirrel, and I'm not sure the kids would eat macaroni and squirrel.

In my defense, lest you think I've completely lost my mind, I vaguely remember having a conversation with Marcus yesterday about him cooking up any squirrels he may shoot....

A New Career

Being an engineer turned stay-at-home mom, I am frequently asked if I will go back to engineering once the children are grown. The truthful answer is, "No." It's been almost 20 years since I worked in that field. Aside from my engineering knowledge and skills being woefully out-of-date, I really don't have a desire to return to that profession.

This leaves the whole world of possible careers open to me.

After much pondering of the possibilities, I have come to the conclusion that when I return to work I would like to....be royalty. I hear the benefits are excellent, not to mention the travel options. I think I could get used to lavish clothing and jewels quite quickly, if I must.

In order to start preparing for this future career, I am coaching my children to start addressing me as "Your Highness." I think I will also begin referring to myself in the third person, as well. First on the to-do list though is finding a kingdom in need of a royal personage.

If anyone would like to be my courtier, I will be accepting applications soon.

I Better Warn You

So, I'm standing in the kitchen this morning, looking our across the snow covered wasteland of our backyard, when I notice a little finch flitting between our two bird houses. This observation prompts me to say, in my best birdie voice, "Hmm, I wonder which one is bigger? This one looks more comfortable. I'll have to go tell the wife."

Evan, overhearing my little bird imitation, comes into the kitchen and says, "Mom, you know anthropomorphism is the leading cause of death by animals."

So I feel the need to give you the heads-up, if you ever find me pecked to death by black-capped chickadees in my backyard, you'll know why.