The Last of the Firsts

 January 31 is coming.

While the year of pain and suffering that was 2020 ended December 31, my personal year of pain will end on January 31. It will be the end of the Firsts.

My dad passed away late in the night on January 31, 2020. Every day since then has been a first.

The first Valentine's Day, Easter, Memorial Day, Fourth of July, Labor Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas.

The first June 27 (their anniversary), July 7 (his birthday), September 27 (my birthday), November 3 (Mom's birthday). 

The first morning waking up with him gone. The first time cleaning my Airbnb and knowing that he wasn't "checking up on me" using Find My Friends. The first time opening the cabin. The first time closing the cabin.

SO MANY FIRSTS!

Some we could have avoided, but chose to walk through them, while some came at us without permission or any way to avoid them. Each one has brought tears and memories...and smiles and laughter at the many, many memories.

It has been a painful year. 

There are a couple more firsts coming up in the next few weeks. I am planning to go back to United Noodle.  This is one of those firsts I can avoid if I wish but feel like I have to face. The last time I was there was the end of January, 2020. I was meeting several of my kids there for lunch. When I was in the parking lot, my sister called and told me that Dad was going to be moved to the hospice. I knew it wasn't going to be long at that point. We ate lunch and then I went to my parent's house.  I really don't want to go back to United Noodle. I don't want to cry in the grocery aisle, but I will because I feel like I need to. I will because I don't believe in avoiding hard things. I will because you can't skirt around grief; you have to go through it.

The last first will be January 31 itself. Most of us are going to go to Alabama and spend a week at the beach, where SO MANY happy memories with Dad reside. It will be HARD, but it will be good...and we'll be together.

Amidst the pain of this past year, I am so, so very thankful that I had 54 years with my Dad! He was not perfect (but close), and he loved us so much. He cared about us and for us with every bit of himself. 

 

"A heart that's broke is a heart that's been loved"

Decision Fatigue

 I am suffering from a serious case of decision fatigue! You know, when you have to make so many decisions each day that your brain just refuses to make any more.  

On top of the normal, what should I wear, what should I cook for dinner decisions, how will we juggle three cars between five drivers? Now we have - where can I safely go, who can I safely see, what mask goes with my outfit? Okay, that last one has NEVER crossed my mind...until now. 

 This is a problem today because...CHRISTMAS! 

 I have to make decisions about presents!! Yikes! This has literally caused me to freeze in my tracks. It doesn't help that we don't even know what we are doing for Christmas. Who will we see? Where will we see them? How are we going to eat all our favorite Christmas food stuffs if we aren't all together? What will I do with the plethora of stocking stuffers I am rapidly accumulating in my basement if I don't get to see these people?

Anyone else having a hard time completing their Christmas shopping this year? My misery would love company!

I'm Having An AMAZING Day!

Today!  What an amazing day!

Despite getting to bed after midnight and having a less than restful sleep, I was able to crawl out of bed at 5:30 this morning with a  hug from my ever patient husband waiting for me.  After finding out that I forget to prep the coffee pot last night, I was able to quickly grind those beans and start the wonderful, magical coffee pot.  Whilst the coffee was brewing I had the privilege of making lunch for my three kiddos who go to public school

After all that, I hardly felt worthy to sit down and get to read my Bible AND pray with my hubby before he left for work.  Do you believe it?!  It wasn't even 6:30 AM and I was already SO blessed.

The morning rushed by as I got to ride along while my permitted-driver child drove herself to work, deftly handling the construction zones on the way!  What a privilege to teach yet another child how to drive.  Back at home, I was able to hang my laundry for the day out on the line, thanks to the abundant sunshine and warm weather. Just looking at that laundry makes me smile!

Despite a late start, I was able to complete the school with the two at home AND correct their work from yesterday that I hadn't finished. That is a blessing, indeed!

After a very tasty lunch of amazing left-overs, I had time to do a 30 minute work-out where I only collapsed in exhaustion half a dozen times. To top it off, I was able to do the work-out without any modifications, a first since I injured my back a couple weeks ago!  YAY for my chiropractor and a God who loves to heal our infirmities - AND my shoulder that's been giving me trouble hardly hurt at all!

There's still more amazingness left in my day, so I need to end here.  I have groceries to pick up, children to drive places, dinner to make....

It's going to be an amazing night!

Sappy Mom Post

Maybe it's becoming a grandma, or maybe it's having two daughters graduating in a few months, or maybe it's middle-age hormone adjustments.  Maybe it's all three.  All I know is that I've been all sentimental lately.

Something about staring at my beautiful little granddaughter, brings me back 21 years to when her daddy was a baby.  Her parents love her so much.  I remember that feeling as a new mom, discovering how much I could love another human being.  Surely, I thought I couldn't love him any more than I did that day he was born.  I was wrong.  The older my child got, the more I loved him. Then more children came and I loved them so much, as well! 

How it works is, you love them more when they are grown up and moving away from you than when they first came to you.   So, my kids (if you are reading this), cut your mom some slack if she seems kind of clingy lately.  This mom job is tough.  You just wait and see!

And as long as I'm on the subject of love and kids and sappiness, I might as well just keep going.

You know how wonderful it is when your little toddler or five year old says they love you?  They're so sweet.  They believe you are perfect.  They think you've hung the stars and the moon and that you can do no wrong.  It is a sweet thing to hear, but they love who they think you are, not who you really are. 

Do you know what's sweeter?  To hear your teenage child say, "I love you, Mom."  Because they no longer think you're perfect.  They are quite certain of that.  They don't even think you're right much of the time.  You embarrass them.  You correct them.  You blog about them.  They've seen you get angry.  They've seen you fail.  They've seen you give up.  They've seen you in your leopard print bathrobe.  So when they say they love you, they love who you really are, and that is FAR sweeter.

I'm So Sorry!!

Yikes!  I am seriously neglecting the blog these days!  Truthfully, if you want to "visit" more often come over to Instagram where I am an annoying presence on a regular basis.  Basically, it allows me to post stuff in seconds, as opposed to the minutes it takes me to write a blog post.  Time is precious, folks! Anyway, my Instagram account is Barbiscrazy.  Apporpriate name, don't you think?

If you want to see some amazing pics from Scotland that my talented hubby took, you can go out to his Flickr account here.

Now I Have Two!

I have two adult children!!!  I'm not quite sure how that happened, but it did!

Eighteen years ago today, a teeny, tiny baby was born prematurely.  It was Labor Day - how appropriate!  We wouldn't know about this baby, all hooked up to wires and tubes in the NICU, for another eleven days. On Sept. 13 I received a phone call from our social worker, "I know you are not done with your homestudy, but...there's been a baby girl born...."

Eighteen years later I can still remember that phone call! 

Ten days later, Nina was released from the hospital and came home to be our daughter.  From our first contact with the adoption agency until we brought Nina home was six months.  That was God!  Domestic adoptions rarely occur that quickly.

I can't really put into words how much I love this girl!  That's God, too, btw. Those of you that have known us for many years, know that Nina was not one of those "easy to raise" children.  I'm not being mean in saying that, just factual.  She will readily admit to this now.  When she was younger we used to be terrified of her teen years, fearing that she would be in utter rebellion by this time.  Truth.

But God - being rich in mercy to her and to us - kept her from making really bad choices, he kept our relationship with her intact through much conflict, and He eventually called her to himself, to become his daughter. 

So Nina, on your eighteenth birthday, I want you to know that I love you. I love you, not for what you do or don't do, but for WHO you are.  I so enjoy YOU!  It is a privilege to be your mom!

Big and Little Things

I woke up this morning with a thought; it was as though someone had spoken it in my ear.  Since Chris is out of town, I am quite certain that no one said it aloud, but it was there just the same.

God is the God of the universe.
He is the God of your home.

He is God of the infinite and unknowable.
He is God of the finite and familiar.

That's it.  That was the thought put in my head just before I awoke.

This set me on a path of thinking how sometimes I struggle to remember that God is in control of the big things in life: Will my children turn out okay? Who will they marry? What will I be doing in ten years?  Things like that.

But sometimes, and probably more often, I struggle with remembering God is in control of the little things in life: Why are we having so many car problems? Where is that library book? What should I do today?

Not sure why the thought came to me this morning. Maybe big, weighty events will occur today. Certainly little, seemingly insignificant things will occur. Either way, I think remembering that God is there and in control will be good for me.

Broken Hearts, Broken Chairs

If you've been to our house in the last six years and spent any time in our kitchen, you've seen the sad state of our kitchen chairs.  It is usually one of the first things that people notice when they walk in the kitchen.  Frequently, someone will ask, "What happened to the chairs?" A question that I have become quite skilled at NOT answering.  I'm quite good at pretending I didn't hear something, if I have to be!

Now that we are remodeling the kitchen, we will soon have new (unbroken chairs), and I have decided it is a good time to tell, "What happened to the chairs?"

In the adoption world, there is a fine line between sharing too much and not sharing enough.  Share too much, and you violate your child's privacy. Don't share enough and you leave others in the adoption community feeling like they are the only ones who are dealing with these things. It's a balancing act I try to perform to the best of my ability.  Those of you with children struggling with attachment are going to really understand this post. For those of you not exposed to attachment issues, I want to give you a small glimpse of what life is like for some of us.

Every one of those damaged chairs represents the results of the damage done to a child's heart.  My child's heart.  Some children who are adopted transition smoothly into their new life without a wrinkle, but MOST children struggle at some point, in some way.  The older a child was when he was adopted, the greater the struggle usually is.  Sadly, the default self-defense mechanism for some of these kids is violence.  The trigger that sets them off might be as minor as not liking what's for breakfast.  In our case, the violence frequently started with kitchen chairs hitting the floor.

So, "What happened to the chairs?" They were violently broken by and angry, hurt child.

Broken-hearted children break chairs....

BUT, there is hope and healing.  It has been at least six months since a chair has hit the floor.  It has been so long that we are going to get new chairs.  I had a long talk with my chair-breaking child.  I praised him for the incredible growth in self-control he has shown in not throwing chairs.  I told him that I am confident that that is all behind him now, so confident that I want him to pick out our new chairs.  He is VERY anxious to get those new chairs because they won't just be new chairs, they will be a new chapter in his life.

I Am Weak

I had one of my children tell me the other day, "You are a weak person, Mom," and she wasn't referring to my physical ability.  While her jab stung quite a bit, I could only respond, "Yes, I am."

I've been thinking a lot about her words since that day.  I am weak.  I feel weak much of the time.  When I was younger, I used to feel like I had everything under control.  I could handle anything that came my way.  I had it all together.  The older I've gotten, the more I see that I CAN'T handle everything that comes my way, I don't have nearly as much control as I had thought, and I certainly don't have it all together.

My prideful self doesn't like this feeling of weaknesses.  I want to be the one who does it all.  The one who doesn't let things bother her.  The one who jumps right back up after getting knocked down.  Truth be told,  I'm not any of those things.

As I grapple with my inabilities, my insecurities and my failures, I keep coming back to this truth though -

Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient to you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.                - 2 Corinthians 12:8-10

HIS grace is sufficient, it's enough for me.  I don't need to be strong.

In my weakness, the power of Christ rests upon me!

For the sake of Christ, not for my own sake, I can be content with my weaknesses.

Yes, I am weak........and because of that, not in spite of that, I am strong!

Happy Father's Day!!!

I'm so thankful for the Dad God gave me!  I appreciate him every day, but I will be more specific and public in my appreciation today.

My dad has given me so much -

1. Most importantly, unconditional love. He loves me even when he doesn't agree with me, which is most of the time if we're talking politics. He taught me that I can love people I don't agree with.
2. An appreciation for a good conversation. I can always count on discussing thought-provoking topics when I'm around him.
3. An incredible appreciation for history.  The man is like a walking history book.  If you have a history question, he's the guy to ask.
4. A dry sense of humor - he is one of the funniest guys I know.
5. An appreciation for a good debate - although we frequently take opposite sides in any debate, I appreciate his joy in a good verbal sparring.
6. An appreciation for a job well done - if you're going to do the job, do it excellently - I honestly don't know of anyone who works so hard - (And, Dad, most 80 year olds do not get up on the roof to sweep the leaves off....just so you know that!  We really can do that for you, you know!)
7. He is an endless servant.  Anytime we need help with any project, Dad's there...tool belt strapped on and ready for a day's work.  
8. His persevering attitude.  I know very few people who could face a lung cancer diagnosis and subsequent surgeries with as much bravery and courage as he did. There was never any self-pity, just determination to beat that thing - and he did!
9. An appreciation for a well-kept yard.  I can't keep up with you, Dad, in this area, but I do certainly admire a well-done yard!
10. He also gave me a really high metabolism, which in the grand scheme of things is quite insignificant, but I really appreciate it, nonetheless!

 

I LOVE YOU, DAD!!!

This May Hurt

How many times have I had to put my children through pain for their own good?  When Molly was younger she got a really large splinter in the bottom of her foot.  After a few days, it became apparent that she would need to have a doctor remove it.  It had become quite painful and infected.  The doctor would need to make a cut in the bottom of her foot, so they would need to numb the area first.  I watched as the doctor took a large needle and stuck it several times into the bottom of Molly's foot.  She cried.  My heart almost broke watching Molly go through that pain, yet I knew it had to be done.  The splinter had to be removed, and this was the best way to do it.

As a mother, my heart is inexorably bound to the hearts of my children.  I am more concerned for them than I am my own next breath.  As hard as it was to watch my children go through painful experiences as young children, it is infinitely more painful to watch or wonder about the painful experience they have yet to face.  This has been my struggle for the past year, or so.  I want to protect my kids; I want to orchestrate their future; I want to keep them from the difficulties of growing up, and I can't.  I can't see beyond the next turn, so I certainly lack the ability to know what is best for them.

I do believe that God loves my children with an intense and consuming love, and I do believe that he holds their future in his hand.  The struggle I have can best be summed up on this C. S. Lewis quote -

"What do people mean when they say 'I am not afraid of God because I know He is good?' Have they never been to a dentist?....We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."

And so, I wonder how painful the best is going to be for my kids. Sometimes it keeps me up at night. I wish I could say that I am always "trusting God" for my children's future, but that would be a lie.  I can say that I am fighting a battle of faith to trust God for my children's future, but it is a battle!

So, I cling to verses like Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

And I listen to songs like this -




And I fight the battle to have more faith, knowing that their loving heavenly Father will only allow them pain that is for their good.

On Being A Mom

I've worn a few different titles in my life: daughter, sister, friend, engineer, teacher.  The one title that makes my heart warm more than most others is mom.

On Mother's Day Eve, I am so thankful to have the privilege of being mom to eight beautiful children and one amazing daughter-in-law. I am equally honored to be called mom by many amazing young people scattered many different places.  

So, whether you call me Mom, Mama Barb, A Mumford Mom, or Mom J--, thank you for letting me mother you.  It makes my heart so happy!

Happy Mother's Day!

I really never appreciated my own mom properly until I became a mom myself.  Truth be told, I just took her for granted.  Mom was mom. She was there for me whenever I needed her, it was expected.

Now that I'm a mom, I realize that that "being there" meant not being somewhere else.  She loved me when I wasn't very lovable (read - from age 12 to 17).  She taught me about life, not in long lectures and sermons, but in letting me observe her doing life.  She taught me I could be/do anything I set my mind to. 

She taught me calculus and physics.

She taught me how to portage a canoe, and that I can continue to portage canoes on into my 70's.

She taught me how to laugh at life.

And she taught me how to love.

I love you, Mom!  I am so blessed to be your daughter!

I Am Blessed

I've been thinking a lot this week about things I can't see. 

I sometimes battle with discouragement and find it difficult not to lose hope.  Some days (like Monday, for instance), the things that I see (experience) are discouraging, to say the least.   I look at life; I look at situations; I look at circumstances, and I lose hope that anything good will come of it all.  Then I remember verses like 2 Corinthians 4:17-18

For this light and momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

Or 2 Corinthians 5:7, that reminds me that life here and now is "walking by faith, and not by sight." 

What I've come to discover is that my sight is much keener than my faith.  It's a theme that keeps popping up in my life in the past few months - my faith is not as strong as I need it to be.

Today, though!  Today, I feel SO blessed!  I had the inestimable privilege of spending two whole hours with my dear friend Sylvia.  Sometimes, it is people who are seen that point us to "things unseen."  Sylvia is like that.  She loves Jesus with her whole heart, and she loves me.  I spent two hours at Panera with a dear friend, and I left filled with visions of the eternal!  I am so, so blessed!  I am even more blessed in that here are several other people in my life that do the same thing.  That I should have a husband, children and friends that all point me to Jesus....yikes!  I think I might be the richest lady alive!

I hope you all, dear blog buddies and Facebook friends, have people in your life who point you to the eternal things. If you do, I encourage you to cherish them as something of more value than gold, and I encourage you to let them know how much you treasure them!

Why?

Way back in January when I bought tickets for the April 1 Bastille concert, I imagined April first being sunny and around 60.  Perfect weather for waiting in line to get the front row at a concert.  It could have been....

Now that it's April 1, I see the reality of April in Minnesota.  Like some cruel April Fool's joke, it is snowing and in the 20's with a nasty wind to boot!

Will we still wait in line to be at the front? Yup!

So, you might ask, why do I do such a crazy thing?  Why would a 48 year old mom freeze her fanny off to see a band with her kids...and other people's kids? Why did I drive 11 hours in September and stand in line in 102 degree weather to be at the barrier for Mumford & Sons? Why do I do all the crazy things I do?

Maybe I read too much G.K. Chesterton.

Say what?

Well, I was reading a book of his a few years ago, and the premise of it was to live while you're alive.

We're each given about 80 or 90 years here on this earth.  They go by fast, I hear.  The problem is that many people stop living long before the lid closes on the casket.  Everyday life sucks the life right out of living.  We're all breathing and our physical heart is beating, but is our heart still beating?

I want to taste and experience life, not just pass through it on the way to the grave.  I want to make memories for myself, for my friends, for my family.  To quote Ben Howard,  "I've come to know that memories Were the best things you ever had."

So, to experience life today, I'll freeze on a cold sidewalk. I'll stand at the barrier to see Bastille. I'll sing loudly. I'll jump up and down. I'll stay up way too late.  And I will make memories.

That Question

I went to Sam's Club this morning with my three little ones. Since I usually have an abundance of babysitters at home, I don't frequently go out with all three little ones anymore.  As I was leaving the store, the woman checking our receipt asked THAT question.  One of those questions, that adoptive families get ALL the time, but I haven't heard in awhile...."So, you're babysitting today?"

After a brief pause where I had to process what she just said, I responded with a smile, "No, they're mine," and left.  Of course, on the walk to the car and the ride home I had to field questions like, "Why did she ask that?" and "Is she racist?" from my kids.

Now, there are a couple ways to spin her question:

1. Adoption isn't on her radar when she sees a white mom with black kids.
2. The kids look too close in age to all be siblings.
3.  I look too old to have kids that young.

Well, no matter which option you choose, it's not very pleasant.

There was a time, when my older five were little (5,3,2,newborn, newborn) that I considered having "Yes! They're all mine!" tattooed on my forehead, to cut down on the awkward questions and even more awkward staring.  I haven't thought about it in many years though...I'd like to think it's because people have stopped staring, but maybe I've just become oblivious to the gawking.

Oh, and there was that time on our way to Alabama last year when a gentleman asked if we were taking the children from the local Baptist Children's Home on an outing.... (*this is where I mentally  slap myself on the forehead and suppress a scream*)

Anyway, most of the time, I think graciously about people asking these awkward question, but I thought I'd put this out here as a public service announcement....when you see a family where the kids don't look like the parent, please let adoption at least wander through your thoughts.  Or, when you see a mom (or dad) with a boatload of little kids, instead of asking if they do daycare, offer to help them in some way...or just smile....

Carry on....

To Blog or Not To Blog

That is indeed the question of the week!  It's been almost a whole week since I posted :( mostly because I'm not sure that there is anything blog-worthy going on.

Possible blog topics:
The weather - it's improving, but a far cry from summer still!
School - there's a limit to the number of dissecting posts you want to read, I'm sure
Post vacation blues - lots of that going on, but that would just be a depressing post
Family issues - too much drama (mine), aka, no one wants to hear me whine!
Nina & Molly's Spring Break - except I'm banned from sharing anything about them
Emily's second trip to Alabama - She'd have to write that since I'm not there with her :(
Adoption issues - Surely my readers tire of those posts
Kitchen Remodel - not much has happened since I removed the wallpaper :(

Hmmm, I'm open to ideas.  What shall I post about???

Six Years

Six years ago today, we landed in Minneapolis with Marcus and Zoe, having just taken them from warm and beautiful Ethiopia into the frozen tundra we call home.  The 20+ hour flight and the submersion into a completely foreign environment was quite a shock for them both, I am sure.  Marcus spoke almost no English.  We spoke even less Amharic. We made do, and somehow managed to muddle through those weeks and months that followed.

Time marches on, and now I can look back on six entire years of our journey with Marcus and Zoe.  I would be an utter liar if I told you it has all been a bed of roses.  I would be just as much a liar if I told you it has been awful.  Truthfully, it's been both.

Life is messy.
Life is hard.
Life is glorious and beautiful.

You get it all rolled up in one package.

Anyway, we are so thankful that God brought Marcus and Zoe to our family.  They bless us in so many ways, big and little.  We are so excited to see how much they've overcome and how much they've grown.  We look forward to seeing all that God has for them and for us in the future.

The very first picture we ever saw of our future son and daughter

It didn't take Zoe long to adjust :-)

Marcus sporting his new winter clothing.  He had probably never worn so many layers in his life!

Cute as can be!

Thankful

I was going to write a post this morning about being anxious.  I've actually spent large chunks of the last several months battling anxiety, over my kids' futures, but I can't quite express the nuances of what I'm going through with the written word.  Maybe other moms out there can relate...

That's okay though, because this morning, I'm just feeling thankful.  Monday nights are "family night" around here, meaning that Evan and Erin come over for dinner and hang with the rest of the family for the evening.  They decided before they were married that they would visit once a week.  This decision made me a very happy mama!

What a joy to just spend time together as a family laughing and talking.  Seeing Evan and Erin is actually very therapeutic, as it is a visual reminder to me that God will, indeed, take care of my children even after they reach adulthood.  Also, the genuine love that my older children have for each other makes my heart just sing! My girls are blessed to have a big brother who loves them fiercely.

Okay, that's enough of this mushy-mom post.  Back to the trenches I go, more peaceful and less anxious.

So Worth It

In 2012, we made the decision to undertake a large addition to our house.  Not only were there financial decisions to be made, there was the huge inconvenience of living in a home under construction.

It was a looooong three months, that I do not wish to go back to, but we did it with a vision in mind. Not only a vision to have a living room in which our whole family could comfortably sit, but a living room and home in which we could bless people.  A place where people could gather and we could show them the love of Christ.

Tonight, we hosted a movie night for our youth group.  As I looked around the room I once again remembered why we added on.  It was worth every penny and every inconvenience!

I love having my home as a gathering place!  I love it!!