"Anyone can have one kid. But going from one kid to two is like going from owning a dog to running a zoo." - P. J. O'Rourke

Friday, March 11, 2011

Soon And Very Soon

In just 10 hours we will be hitting the road and going south.  Instead of packing, I thought I would write to you all.

Since we can't bring all of you with us, though we would like to do that, I thought I would tell you how you can "pretend" to be with us while remaining in the comfort of your own home.  Ready?

Here we go....

Right around 5:00 pm CST, run around grabbing your last minute things; don't forget to use the bathroom before you go!  Run outside to your car, sit down, go back in the house and grab a few more things, go back to the car and drive down the street about three blocks.  Remember that you've forgotten something essential and drive back home.  Repeat this about three times.  Now since you are not REALLY going on a road trip, you may go back in your house.

Next, find a semi-comfortable chair, not a lazy-boy or anything like that, but it doesn't have to be a wooden chair either.  Sit in the chair for at least three hours, get up and use the bathroom, and then go sit down again.  Repeat, oh say, ten times.

While you are sitting in the chair you can do a few things.  You can play on your iPod (assuming you're not "driving").  If you want a genuine trip, you should play Tilt To Live, Bejeweled and Sudoku.  Perhaps you could also  play Doodlejump.  You may NOT check your e-mail or Facebook, as you only have an iPod and there is not Wi-fi in the car.

Now, you may also listen to music or books on tape.   Once again, if you want to really join in our fun you should limit yourself to the following:  Mumford & Sons (Listen to as much as you want - oh say, ten hours or so), Les Miserables (the entire soundtrack, once through, feel free to sing along - performing all the parts), Elton John, Matthew West, an assortment of classical music (for when Chris is driving), Casting Crowns, Tenth Ave. North, U2, The Police, etc.  When you tire of music you may also listen to Adventures in Odyssey, Your Story Hour, Magic Treehouse, and Adopted For Life.  Oh, I forgot to mention that you must turn down whatever your listening to every five minutes or so and ask, "What do you need?"  Then contort yourself into strange positions pretending to hand something to someone three rows behind you.

You also get to eat!!!  This is the best part of the "trip."  Her are your options, for dinner tonight you will have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (it's best to squash it a little bit), grapes and carrots, with a small drink of water.  Water will be rationed so you don't need to make too many bathroom stops.  There will be homemade muffins for breakfast tomorrow which must be eaten while sitting in your chair.  You may get up for lunch and go to some fast-food restaurant. 

Between these meals, you may munch and any of the following:  gorp, Chex mix, raw almonds, Doritios, lightly salted mixed nuts, Tootsie Pops, clementines, beef sticks, baby gouda, assorted sucking candy, water (or highly caffeinated pop if you're an adult), flavored pretzel bits, apples, cookies, granola bars, poptarts, bananas or dried fruit.  You should eat a lot of this stuff during the middle of the night hours. 

While you are "driving" you should start straight ahead like a zombie.  Oh, you also get to control the aural media while you are "in the driver's seat." During you're "non-driving" time you can try to sleep in your chair, but you should jerk awake every half-hour or so and say, "Are you doing okay?  Do you want me to drive?"

There you have it.  Continue in this way until about 5:00 pm CST on Saturday.  Oh, I forgot to tell you, you should slowly turn up the heat throughout the trip and when you arrive, you should jump off your seat and pretend to walk out on the sand and listen to the waves crashing and feel the breeze (you might need to employ a fan and a vivid imagination for this if you live in Minnesota).

Thanks for "coming with" on our trip!!  I hope you enjoy it as much as we will!!  Adieu!

1 comment:

  1. You capture the "road trip" perfectly! Enjoy your trip.

    ReplyDelete

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